Today I was an angry inpatient little yogi. My thighs are tight, I have acid in my stomach that’s vying to escape and I’m so hormonal I don’t know whether to cry or scream.
Today I didn’t feel worthy of the mat I stood on, “poor mat”, I thought, “if only it belonged to someone more deserving than I”.
Where’s my inner peace? Where is my love and acceptance for myself? When Oh when do I get to feel worthy?
I tried to pull it together, I’d missed at least 3 standing postures, my ujjayi breath got sidetracked and f*cked off and my headstand resembled more of a pathetic pile of limbs than a strong pillar of power. I tried to
gather find my patience.
I repeated my finishing sequence, forgot it again, attempted some meditation and sunk into Shavasana with a lump in my throat. I won’t cry here I thought, got up and ushered the boy prodigy into my spot, all the while restraining myself from squeezing him, telling him how awesome he is and thinking of my niece back home.
I rolled my mat the wrong way, the changing room door slammed behind me before I had time to catch it, I slipped on my shoes, tripped on the pavement and came home to cry.
I’m not posting this because I want any sympathy I’m posting it just encase you feel the same, in any aspect of your life. I’m posting it because tomorrow I’ll get up at 6am again tomorrow morning and I’ll go to practice on that same mat, in that same room, probably with that same boy prodigy and I’ll do it for the next 2 weeks. Then when I leave here hopefully everyday after that too, I’ll unroll that same mat (thank goodness I bought a good mat) until I feel worthy, and when I do feel worthy, which one day I will, I’ll continue to practice and maybe then I’ll help people to feel worthy too, not just on their mats but every. damn. day.
I came straight home and wrote this post to get it all out, to show myself some patience in this journey.
We all tackle our own demons, what matters is that we keep tackling them. We are all worthy.